Hey new momma

Can I call you that? Are you used to it yet?

Has it sunk in that this beautiful new creature is now dependant on you for the next 18 years.. minimum? If it hasn’t, I’ll give it a sec.

It kinda just happened, hey?

You awaited this time from the moment you saw those little pink lines. But it wasn’t smack dab right in the middle of your face then.

Now it is and it’s overwhelming. It’s ok to admit.

Your whole life changed just moments ago. God only knows what state your body is in.. but you’re too focused on this little miracle to care.

Heck, you’d probably do it all over again at the drop of a hat.

But.. I’ll give you a second to think on that.

Your panicking in bed, laying there trying to doze off but all you can think is ‘was it 4ml or 5?’ You read it 10 times but now it’s all a fog.

I’ve been there.

Google will become your best friend. Your go to even over your real best friends. Who, will get put on the back burner no matter how much you think you’ll swing it all. Just like showering, your social, sex, and life in general.

But that’s OK.

And it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. To feel like giving up or that you can’t do it. To feel like it should be easier. To feel 5000 things, to be honest, because your body is digesting a hormone cocktail that you didn’t sign up for.

But you know what, that worry, that fear, is disguised behind how much you care to do this right. And I applaud you new momma and I’m on the side lines cheering. And, most days crying behind closed doors, with you in mind.

This. To. Shall. Pass.

The late nights. The lonesome, tireless, mundane routine feeling that ALL you do is put your robotic, new mom bod, into motion day in and day out. The thankless feeling of being the only one running an assembly line will pass.

Rather, it will shift.

It’ll shift to an easier mode and you will start to get used to this little energy sucker AKA precious little gift of life.

It. Will. Happen. I promise. Until then, take solice in the fact that you are not alone.

So you, new momma, with the over exhausted new face you now sport daily, and the beautiful life you’ve created all nestled up in your safe, warm, inviting arms, hold your baby tight and know that this is exactly where you need to be in this moment.

“Many women are not prepared for the wide range of feelings they may have after the birth of their baby. They often experience sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, worry or a sense of inadequacy. Every mother is different and may have different combinations of feelings.”
– sourced from http://www.ppdil.org/symptoms-of-ppmds

**On an ending note if this overwhelming feeling lasts too long/ you feel something just isn’t right- there is help out there! Post partum is a real thing that isn’t to be shamed! I’ve had it and am currently managing depression and anxiety as a busy mom.

You don’t have to suffer alone.

There are people who care, who’ve been there and CAN help. Here are some resources.

Website : http://www.postpartum.net
Phone number : ‪1.800.944.4773‬ (Post partum support international)

Also, pls feel free to message me if you want to talk privately about this. 💞
You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you.


The endless seeker

Banished Insecurities. Famished Dreams.
Awoken Insight. Secured Realities. Birthed Hope that brought me to my knees,
Forever finding comfort in my hiding place
Yet you, the endless seeker will never give up on me.
I run, you wait.
Your patience outweighs
My selfish desires to rule my own mind.

I know the darkest clouds will fade I know that you will make a way.

Forgiving yourself

For the longest time I held a grudge.. with myself.
Why didn’t I do this? Why did I hurt this person? Why didn’t I go for my goals? Why did I live in crippling negativity for so long? These questions rang through my brain daily, because I did nothing to stop them.

But I’ve learned that questioning, ultimately gets you nowhere. It can drive you mad too, because most of the times we don’t have the answer. The ‘why’ kills us. Here’s the thing though, even if we knew the reason why things happened the way they did, would it change the now? It may temporarily give you a little peace of mind but NO it wouldn’t. It might even leave you with more questions. It’s a cycle. We can either let it destroy us and inhibit our growth or we can see unforgiveness for the disease and poison it truly is.

When we hold unforgiveness we begin to become bitter. Cynical. It’s a slow progression, it doesn’t happen overnight. You start seeing the worse in everything, especially yourself. You look at people with disgust and judgement because that’s how you feel deep down. You don’t do things you want to because you don’t allow yourself that freedom. You feel like you’re not worth it or that you don’t deserve it. You don’t allow yourself to push yourself. If that makes sense. It does in my head :s lol. Sometimes we even go as far as punishing ourselves.

You’ll never get to where you’re going if you’re stuck on that last chapter. We can’t learn, we can’t grow if our minds are stuck on replay. Especially if/when the thing we keep pondering on is something eating us inside! It’s like we’re on pause and nothing will/can change unless we release. The keyword there is we. No one can do it for you. You can read a million self-help books but until you actually take action and change your mindset, your circumstance isn’t going anywhere!  Our baggage can hold us down mentally, even physically sometimes but victory comes when we turn that page.

The way I forgave myself and continue to do (because it’s not a one time solve all potion, unfortunately) is by not entertaining those negative thoughts. When I feel horrible about myself I confess that I have a plan and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) and my past actions, and thoughts are just that, in the past and forgiven (1 John 1:9). If He can forgive me, I can forgive me. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). There’s such power in the tongue and it can either breath life or death. There’s so much more for us waiting ahead than anything we leave behind.
One of my favourite quotes is “The windshield is much larger then the rear-view mirror” ..it’s so true!

Now we have the choice to continue on this path, to continue to feel like crap or to use our past as motivation. To strive to do better. We’ve all done stupid, hurtful, things. Sometimes I think Wow, past Christina (sounds weird but just go with it :p)  you were so dumb. But my present self is grateful for my past because it made me who I am today!

In conclusion, we can chose to live in the past and let those choices haunt us or we can pick up our head, drop that baggage and eagerly walk into the now. The choice is ours. We can chose to be our own worse enemy or we can push ourselves to do better, and learn from our past. And let it GO.

Don’t resent your past self, learn from him/her.

I am so obsessed with becoming.

 

Becoming the woman God designed me to be.
Becoming overwhelmingly joyful with life, even in sorrow because I know that nothing matters more than eternity and the steps leading up to.

I’m at a place where God is giving me such peace in freedom. Freedom to write, to sing, to plan as long as I keep Him first. He knows my heart, he knows what stirs my soul. My lists, plans, dreams- I am a dreamer and he knows this.

.. but am I a dreamer for His kingdom? This is where I need to check myself.

It’s easy for me, therapeutic even to sit down and write out life goals. But truly, He is the only one who knows how things will go, what will pan out and what He has is store. I have my life mapped out from now until I’m 50. Give or take some years. 😉  But God likes to remind me that although that’s cute to dream and all, He has the ultimate say. The more I try to make life my own the more the picture gets distorted. I need to trust that He’s got this. I need to relinquish control. God’s showing me that although I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a selfish person, I am with my self, my will. If that makes sense. I’m going somewhere with this..

God’s hand can’t be in something if we’re constantly holding the pen.

When we’re solely steering the ship, we’re going to crash into icebergs, it’s inevitable. That’s why we need God and His direction. He’s really shaking things up in me and I need to give Him control in all areas of life. This has been a huge conviction I’ve been dealing with lately.

{Any one else going through a season of complete trust and giving up control?}