Forgiving yourself

For the longest time I held a grudge.. with myself.
Why didn’t I do this? Why did I hurt this person? Why didn’t I go for my goals? Why did I live in crippling negativity for so long? These questions rang through my brain daily, because I did nothing to stop them.

But I’ve learned that questioning, ultimately gets you nowhere. It can drive you mad too, because most of the times we don’t have the answer. The ‘why’ kills us. Here’s the thing though, even if we knew the reason why things happened the way they did, would it change the now? It may temporarily give you a little peace of mind but NO it wouldn’t. It might even leave you with more questions. It’s a cycle. We can either let it destroy us and inhibit our growth or we can see unforgiveness for the disease and poison it truly is.

When we hold unforgiveness we begin to become bitter. Cynical. It’s a slow progression, it doesn’t happen overnight. You start seeing the worse in everything, especially yourself. You look at people with disgust and judgement because that’s how you feel deep down. You don’t do things you want to because you don’t allow yourself that freedom. You feel like you’re not worth it or that you don’t deserve it. You don’t allow yourself to push yourself. If that makes sense. It does in my head :s lol. Sometimes we even go as far as punishing ourselves.

You’ll never get to where you’re going if you’re stuck on that last chapter. We can’t learn, we can’t grow if our minds are stuck on replay. Especially if/when the thing we keep pondering on is something eating us inside! It’s like we’re on pause and nothing will/can change unless we release. The keyword there is we. No one can do it for you. You can read a million self-help books but until you actually take action and change your mindset, your circumstance isn’t going anywhere!  Our baggage can hold us down mentally, even physically sometimes but victory comes when we turn that page.

The way I forgave myself and continue to do (because it’s not a one time solve all potion, unfortunately) is by not entertaining those negative thoughts. When I feel horrible about myself I confess that I have a plan and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) and my past actions, and thoughts are just that, in the past and forgiven (1 John 1:9). If He can forgive me, I can forgive me. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). There’s such power in the tongue and it can either breath life or death. There’s so much more for us waiting ahead than anything we leave behind.
One of my favourite quotes is “The windshield is much larger then the rear-view mirror” ..it’s so true!

Now we have the choice to continue on this path, to continue to feel like crap or to use our past as motivation. To strive to do better. We’ve all done stupid, hurtful, things. Sometimes I think Wow, past Christina (sounds weird but just go with it :p)  you were so dumb. But my present self is grateful for my past because it made me who I am today!

In conclusion, we can chose to live in the past and let those choices haunt us or we can pick up our head, drop that baggage and eagerly walk into the now. The choice is ours. We can chose to be our own worse enemy or we can push ourselves to do better, and learn from our past. And let it GO.

Don’t resent your past self, learn from him/her.

It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy.

Giving into the flesh is a trap. It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy. It’s an illusion by the master of deception. A twisted game, in which there is no winning outcome. You don’t see it coming, until you do. You start to notice patterns…

It leaves you emptier than when you were first searching because now you have the heaviness of shame. The shame drives you. It is never content. Maybe you’ll feel better once you ‘get it’ you think. Whatever it may be. But the search continues.

The funny (or not so funny) thing is that the more we add to ourselves, the emptier we feel. There’s still a void. You will continue to feel emptiness in your life and search for the ‘next best thing’ as long as you stay on this road. There’s no satisfaction because the flesh is never satisfied.

You will begin to feel like there’s something wrong with YOU. You have this great degree, great life, have a powerful role yet *something* is missing. You can’t quite put your finger on it.. and because you can’t figure it out it leads to depression. It leads to self hate, and bitterness. With yourself. With God. With life. With others who just seem happy and seem to ‘get it’. You can search high and low for that piece to the puzzle but I’m telling you you won’t ever find it in material things.

My ‘searching’, rather trial an errors, led me to Christ and I’m so grateful it did. For me I had to see for myself so I tried many avenues in search of self worth, a greater purpose then just living routinely day to day.

I found ‘it’. And He is Jesus. He fills me up. The search is over. I know he loves me, he accepts me, he sacrificed it all for me, so I could find Him and He could fill my voids… and that is more than anything this world will ever have to offer. The ultimate satisfaction. The utmost worth.