Hey new momma

Can I call you that? Are you used to it yet?

Has it sunk in that this beautiful new creature is now dependant on you for the next 18 years.. minimum? If it hasn’t, I’ll give it a sec.

It kinda just happened, hey?

You awaited this time from the moment you saw those little pink lines. But it wasn’t smack dab right in the middle of your face then.

Now it is and it’s overwhelming. It’s ok to admit.

Your whole life changed just moments ago. God only knows what state your body is in.. but you’re too focused on this little miracle to care.

Heck, you’d probably do it all over again at the drop of a hat.

But.. I’ll give you a second to think on that.

Your panicking in bed, laying there trying to doze off but all you can think is ‘was it 4ml or 5?’ You read it 10 times but now it’s all a fog.

I’ve been there.

Google will become your best friend. Your go to even over your real best friends. Who, will get put on the back burner no matter how much you think you’ll swing it all. Just like showering, your social, sex, and life in general.

But that’s OK.

And it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. To feel like giving up or that you can’t do it. To feel like it should be easier. To feel 5000 things, to be honest, because your body is digesting a hormone cocktail that you didn’t sign up for.

But you know what, that worry, that fear, is disguised behind how much you care to do this right. And I applaud you new momma and I’m on the side lines cheering. And, most days crying behind closed doors, with you in mind.

This. To. Shall. Pass.

The late nights. The lonesome, tireless, mundane routine feeling that ALL you do is put your robotic, new mom bod, into motion day in and day out. The thankless feeling of being the only one running an assembly line will pass.

Rather, it will shift.

It’ll shift to an easier mode and you will start to get used to this little energy sucker AKA precious little gift of life.

It. Will. Happen. I promise. Until then, take solice in the fact that you are not alone.

So you, new momma, with the over exhausted new face you now sport daily, and the beautiful life you’ve created all nestled up in your safe, warm, inviting arms, hold your baby tight and know that this is exactly where you need to be in this moment.

“Many women are not prepared for the wide range of feelings they may have after the birth of their baby. They often experience sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, worry or a sense of inadequacy. Every mother is different and may have different combinations of feelings.”
– sourced from http://www.ppdil.org/symptoms-of-ppmds

**On an ending note if this overwhelming feeling lasts too long/ you feel something just isn’t right- there is help out there! Post partum is a real thing that isn’t to be shamed! I’ve had it and am currently managing depression and anxiety as a busy mom.

You don’t have to suffer alone.

There are people who care, who’ve been there and CAN help. Here are some resources.

Website : http://www.postpartum.net
Phone number : ‪1.800.944.4773‬ (Post partum support international)

Also, pls feel free to message me if you want to talk privately about this. 💞
You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you.


Hey new momma

Can I call you that? Are you used to it yet?

Has it sunk in that this beautiful new creature is now dependant on you for the next 18 years.. minimum? If it hasn’t, I’ll give it a sec.

It kinda just happened, hey?

You awaited this time from the moment you saw those little pink lines. But it wasn’t smack dab right in the middle of your face then.

Now it is and it’s overwhelming. It’s ok to admit.

Your whole life changed just moments ago. God only knows what state your body is in.. but you’re too focused on this little miracle to care.

Heck, you’d probably do it all over again at the drop of a hat.

But.. I’ll give you a second to think on that.

Your panicking in bed, laying there trying to doze off but all you can think is ‘was it 4ml or 5?’ You read it 10 times but now it’s all a fog.

I’ve been there.

Google will become your best friend. Your go to even over your real best friends. Who, will get put on the back burner no matter how much you think you’ll swing it all. Just like showering, your social, sex, and life in general.

But that’s OK.

And it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. To feel like giving up or that you can’t do it. To feel like it should be easier. To feel 5000 things, to be honest, because your body is digesting a hormone cocktail that you didn’t sign up for.

But you know what, that worry, that fear, is disguised behind how much you care to do this right. And I applaud you new momma and I’m on the side lines cheering. And, most days crying behind closed doors, with you in mind.

This. To. Shall. Pass.

The late nights. The lonesome, tireless, mundane routine feeling that ALL you do is put your robotic, new mom bod, into motion day in and day out. The thankless feeling of being the only one running an assembly line will pass.

Rather, it will shift.

It’ll shift to an easier mode and you will start to get used to this little energy sucker AKA precious little gift of life.

It. Will. Happen. I promise. Until then, take solice in the fact that you are not alone.

So you, new momma, with the over exhausted new face you now sport daily, and the beautiful life you’ve created all nestled up in your safe, warm, inviting arms, hold your baby tight and know that this is exactly where you need to be in this moment.

“Many women are not prepared for the wide range of feelings they may have after the birth of their baby. They often experience sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, worry or a sense of inadequacy. Every mother is different and may have different combinations of feelings.”
– sourced from http://www.ppdil.org/symptoms-of-ppmds

**On an ending note if this overwhelming feeling lasts too long/ you feel something just isn’t right- there is help out there! Post partum is a real thing that isn’t to be shamed! I’ve had it and am currently managing depression and anxiety as a busy mom.**

You don’t have to suffer alone.

There are people who care, who’ve been there and CAN help. Here are some resources.

Website : http://www.postpartum.net
Phone number : ‪1.800.944.4773‬ (Post partum support international)

Also, pls feel free to message me if you want to talk privately about this. 💞


You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you.

20180115_225147

The reality of Grief (Gaining our angel baby)

A couple days before I found out, I noticed that my bump was going down. I remember being 2 months last time, my bump wasn’t that noticeable but it resembled a cute, almond shape. I knew something was up. I showed J (my husband) and had him feel my stomach. He said “You haven’t eaten much today love.” I said “Ya, but that shouldn’t matter.” Later he told me in the hospital, that he noticed the bump was going down but didn’t want to say anything to lose hope. I didn’t want to go initially because there’s usually a long wait and getting a sitter every time just to check things out isn’t ideal. Heck, if I did that with every bleed, pain or cyst I’d be in there a stupid amount.

I bled a lot with Ty (my son, now almost 2) and cramped as well. This one just felt different. It wasn’t until the pain got more intense and I started passing tissue that I felt I had to get checked. I remember sitting in the ER waiting area and feeling so faint. I had gone right from work and didn’t get a chance to eat beforehand. I was really hot, and it was hard to breath unless I took in deep, exaggerated breaths. My body knew something wasn’t right and I think it all hit me, sitting in the room, waiting to be called.

I was hoping so bad that the Doc would say my cervix was still closed and just to take it easy. I read stories of mom’s going through something similar and everything turned out to be ok, telling the reader not to worry. I spoke scripture over this baby and kept thanking God I was even pregnant. I wasn’t letting my mind go to the negative side.

I knew right away when the doctor was finished the examination. He didn’t say anything.I asked “So, is my cervix open?” He paused, “Yeah, unfortunately it is.” Tears streamed down my face. The nurse grabbed my hand and said “I’m so sorry hun”, while handing me tissue. The Doctor said the M word and told me they had to do further examinations.

From the moment I found out, it was like I wanted to just soak it in but the doctor was rushing me to get down to an ultrasound (to see how much tissue was left and determine the next steps to take). They left me to get dressed and I balled. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time. I called Jordan and while I was dialing, another nurse tried to open the curtain saying she was going to wheel me down to get my ultrasound. I said through tears, “Can I have a moment please?” She stared at my face and said in a soft tone “Of course”, and closed the curtain. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

I knew he felt pain but he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I just kept crying. He kept saying ‘I love you’, trying to reassure me it would be ok. He called my mom to see if she could come watch Ty so he could be with me for the remainder of the exams. He took a cab after my mom got there, not even 15 minutes of the phone call. She’s an angel! We’re so blessed to have her!

I was wheeled down and upon reaching the bathroom the tech asked me if my bladder was empty. That word. I couldn’t respond, there was a lump in my throat. I finally said, “I don’t know.” It was the only words I could gather. She said “Ok, I’m going to need you to try to go, then. “I need an empty bladder.” She helped me up and I closed the door.

This is when it really hit me that life goes on. That’s been the hardest part for me, knowing that life has to continue on. I have to grieve on the side as I carry on about our day, helping my son, trying to play and be cheerful with him. I feel guilty for trying to feel ‘ok’, to put on a mask for the world. And this too I have no control over and have to just accept. I’m sitting here on Monday morning, 1:30 am(we found out Sat night Feb 20th) and I just balled for about 2 hours straight. It started when I was making J’s lunch.. just little tasks feel so hard. It’s like I am forgetting what happened or the pain and I think that’s what’s getting to me. Carrying on. The ‘what if’ is what is so hard. The not knowing is and was the worse part. If I had just known that I was in fact M then I would have taken time off work, would have asked for help.. but I didn’t and I couldn’t save this baby.

But Jesus did. He will raise our baby and they will know no pain. That is what I’m trying to keep my focus on, but for now this seems like empty words. But I’m learning that’s ok because sometimes that’s all you can give.

 

{If you are going through something similar and want to talk to someone who can relate, or just vent, please feel free to contact me. I had a lot of questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking, and male doctors just didn’t give me the answers I was seeking. I can help, no question is too ‘gross’ or invasive. I’ve been there, I can listen, pray with you, just be there. Contact ninna900@hotmail.com, or message my privately on any social media.} ❤ You are never alone in this.

 

baby2

 

Psalm 34:18The Lord is close to the broken hearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.