Why you should share your story

Sometimes we go through something so horrific and because of it we feel isolated, and if we have no one to turn to for support it just adds to the hopelessness.

You already feel lost, but that isolating feeling can be so crippling, it can inhibit us from reaching out during a time we really need to. Sometimes we don’t share things because we don’t want to burdeon other people with our ‘problems’..but sharing what we’re going through, sometimes just that small step of vulnerability, stops the power that the pain has over us.

Our pain gives the illusion that we’re in this alone but that’s the farthest thing from the truth!

There’s so many hurting people out there. The enemy wants us to keep thinking that we’re hopeless and alone in our despair, that no one could possibly understand what we’re going through– but we need to break that cycle. We need to open up and allow people in, allow people to see that we’re human too and that we go through pain and *gasp* even emotions.

Why is it our first instinct to hide our mess? Do we think people won’t care, or that it’s even a problem in the first place? I’ve been guilty of that mindset. Denial. Denial so I don’t have to face the elephant in my life. Let’s just be real about our problems. How much more connected would we feel as a body/community if we were just real about stuff we were dealing with, and were able to relate and help each other?

By us opening up we can allow healing to start. I’ve come to know that you can’t get healed by suppressing the pain. You can only bottle so much up before it really messes you up.

God showed me that if I wouldn’t have shared what I was going through, I wouldn’t have been able to connect and relate with some mommas who were going through the same thing! When we take the focus off ourselves, off solely OUR problems, we see how much we’re actually not alone.

Share your experiences, hurts and pain. It’s real. It’s not meant to be bottled up. I encourage you to share your story. You never know who needs to hear it!

**I’m always open for a chat or to vent to or pray with you..Odds are I’ve been in your situation. You’re never alone in anything in this life, no matter how much your situation screams that you are! **

Private message me if you need to talk.

http://www.instagram.com/Cricha90

It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy.

Giving into the flesh is a trap. It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy. It’s an illusion by the master of deception. A twisted game, in which there is no winning outcome. You don’t see it coming, until you do. You start to notice patterns…

It leaves you emptier than when you were first searching because now you have the heaviness of shame. The shame drives you. It is never content. Maybe you’ll feel better once you ‘get it’ you think. Whatever it may be. But the search continues.

The funny (or not so funny) thing is that the more we add to ourselves, the emptier we feel. There’s still a void. You will continue to feel emptiness in your life and search for the ‘next best thing’ as long as you stay on this road. There’s no satisfaction because the flesh is never satisfied.

You will begin to feel like there’s something wrong with YOU. You have this great degree, great life, have a powerful role yet *something* is missing. You can’t quite put your finger on it.. and because you can’t figure it out it leads to depression. It leads to self hate, and bitterness. With yourself. With God. With life. With others who just seem happy and seem to ‘get it’. You can search high and low for that piece to the puzzle but I’m telling you you won’t ever find it in material things.

My ‘searching’, rather trial an errors, led me to Christ and I’m so grateful it did. For me I had to see for myself so I tried many avenues in search of self worth, a greater purpose then just living routinely day to day.

I found ‘it’. And He is Jesus. He fills me up. The search is over. I know he loves me, he accepts me, he sacrificed it all for me, so I could find Him and He could fill my voids… and that is more than anything this world will ever have to offer. The ultimate satisfaction. The utmost worth.

The reality of Grief (Gaining our angel baby)

A couple days before I found out, I noticed that my bump was going down. I remember being 2 months last time, my bump wasn’t that noticeable but it resembled a cute, almond shape. I knew something was up. I showed J (my husband) and had him feel my stomach. He said “You haven’t eaten much today love.” I said “Ya, but that shouldn’t matter.” Later he told me in the hospital, that he noticed the bump was going down but didn’t want to say anything to lose hope. I didn’t want to go initially because there’s usually a long wait and getting a sitter every time just to check things out isn’t ideal. Heck, if I did that with every bleed, pain or cyst I’d be in there a stupid amount.

I bled a lot with Ty (my son, now almost 2) and cramped as well. This one just felt different. It wasn’t until the pain got more intense and I started passing tissue that I felt I had to get checked. I remember sitting in the ER waiting area and feeling so faint. I had gone right from work and didn’t get a chance to eat beforehand. I was really hot, and it was hard to breath unless I took in deep, exaggerated breaths. My body knew something wasn’t right and I think it all hit me, sitting in the room, waiting to be called.

I was hoping so bad that the Doc would say my cervix was still closed and just to take it easy. I read stories of mom’s going through something similar and everything turned out to be ok, telling the reader not to worry. I spoke scripture over this baby and kept thanking God I was even pregnant. I wasn’t letting my mind go to the negative side.

I knew right away when the doctor was finished the examination. He didn’t say anything.I asked “So, is my cervix open?” He paused, “Yeah, unfortunately it is.” Tears streamed down my face. The nurse grabbed my hand and said “I’m so sorry hun”, while handing me tissue. The Doctor said the M word and told me they had to do further examinations.

From the moment I found out, it was like I wanted to just soak it in but the doctor was rushing me to get down to an ultrasound (to see how much tissue was left and determine the next steps to take). They left me to get dressed and I balled. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time. I called Jordan and while I was dialing, another nurse tried to open the curtain saying she was going to wheel me down to get my ultrasound. I said through tears, “Can I have a moment please?” She stared at my face and said in a soft tone “Of course”, and closed the curtain. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

I knew he felt pain but he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I just kept crying. He kept saying ‘I love you’, trying to reassure me it would be ok. He called my mom to see if she could come watch Ty so he could be with me for the remainder of the exams. He took a cab after my mom got there, not even 15 minutes of the phone call. She’s an angel! We’re so blessed to have her!

I was wheeled down and upon reaching the bathroom the tech asked me if my bladder was empty. That word. I couldn’t respond, there was a lump in my throat. I finally said, “I don’t know.” It was the only words I could gather. She said “Ok, I’m going to need you to try to go, then. “I need an empty bladder.” She helped me up and I closed the door.

This is when it really hit me that life goes on. That’s been the hardest part for me, knowing that life has to continue on. I have to grieve on the side as I carry on about our day, helping my son, trying to play and be cheerful with him. I feel guilty for trying to feel ‘ok’, to put on a mask for the world. And this too I have no control over and have to just accept. I’m sitting here on Monday morning, 1:30 am(we found out Sat night Feb 20th) and I just balled for about 2 hours straight. It started when I was making J’s lunch.. just little tasks feel so hard. It’s like I am forgetting what happened or the pain and I think that’s what’s getting to me. Carrying on. The ‘what if’ is what is so hard. The not knowing is and was the worse part. If I had just known that I was in fact M then I would have taken time off work, would have asked for help.. but I didn’t and I couldn’t save this baby.

But Jesus did. He will raise our baby and they will know no pain. That is what I’m trying to keep my focus on, but for now this seems like empty words. But I’m learning that’s ok because sometimes that’s all you can give.

 

{If you are going through something similar and want to talk to someone who can relate, or just vent, please feel free to contact me. I had a lot of questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking, and male doctors just didn’t give me the answers I was seeking. I can help, no question is too ‘gross’ or invasive. I’ve been there, I can listen, pray with you, just be there. Contact ninna900@hotmail.com, or message my privately on any social media.} ❤ You are never alone in this.

 

baby2

 

Psalm 34:18The Lord is close to the broken hearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I am so obsessed with becoming.

 

Becoming the woman God designed me to be.
Becoming overwhelmingly joyful with life, even in sorrow because I know that nothing matters more than eternity and the steps leading up to.

I’m at a place where God is giving me such peace in freedom. Freedom to write, to sing, to plan as long as I keep Him first. He knows my heart, he knows what stirs my soul. My lists, plans, dreams- I am a dreamer and he knows this.

.. but am I a dreamer for His kingdom? This is where I need to check myself.

It’s easy for me, therapeutic even to sit down and write out life goals. But truly, He is the only one who knows how things will go, what will pan out and what He has is store. I have my life mapped out from now until I’m 50. Give or take some years. 😉  But God likes to remind me that although that’s cute to dream and all, He has the ultimate say. The more I try to make life my own the more the picture gets distorted. I need to trust that He’s got this. I need to relinquish control. God’s showing me that although I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a selfish person, I am with my self, my will. If that makes sense. I’m going somewhere with this..

God’s hand can’t be in something if we’re constantly holding the pen.

When we’re solely steering the ship, we’re going to crash into icebergs, it’s inevitable. That’s why we need God and His direction. He’s really shaking things up in me and I need to give Him control in all areas of life. This has been a huge conviction I’ve been dealing with lately.

{Any one else going through a season of complete trust and giving up control?}