An open letter to my son


Forgive me for my sense of urgency. I’m still figuring mothering and you out.

How to combine you both and learning to love through pain and uncertainty is foreign to me. I’m trying hard to be your hero, your strong momma in the midst of chaos. I love you. You inspire me. You are the fire cracker that gets me moving in the morning (some times way too early) but you keep me on my toes in more ways then one.

I know you being small and dependent won’t last forever. It is a privilege to be so needed by you and that is what you are to me.

You keep me present and help me to soak the heck out of the moment. You are my teacher in many ways, although you have no clue what an impact you are to me daily, hourly. You are a beaming joy and light encased in a 2 year old eager little boy full of wonder and adventure yet to discover. God’s beautiful masterpiece.

You are high spirited and the moment we knew your name meaning we had no doubt it was the one for you. You have world changing spunk within your core and a stubborn- ah hem *passionate* leadership about you that I know will be birthed in time. You come alive with music. It is a gift to witness you change the atmosphere by simply being yourself. You are a prize not many will know how to recieve because you are a breath of fresh, real, honest right in your face air.

You are my constant reminder of real and significance. All to often I drift off into my thoughts and you pull me out and want to just hang and play dinosaurs.

You show me how to love with action. You. Changed. My. Life.

You teach me the importance of reaching out to others and being available. You make me want to run around the backyard with you for the sheer beauty that we can. You bring me to life and take me out of hiding.

Your boldness is a treasure (and some days I would kill to have half of your energy). We are on a journey of uncovering eachother. You peel layers from me and I help you to discover a world that is brand new to you.

I will never give up the pursuit to know who you are and to speak life over you. I am forever on your side, and if the day comes where you move me to the bleachers, with a semi-broken heart I’ll be shouting praises from a distance. I love you.

I am so obsessed with becoming.

 

Becoming the woman God designed me to be.
Becoming overwhelmingly joyful with life, even in sorrow because I know that nothing matters more than eternity and the steps leading up to.

I’m at a place where God is giving me such peace in freedom. Freedom to write, to sing, to plan as long as I keep Him first. He knows my heart, he knows what stirs my soul. My lists, plans, dreams- I am a dreamer and he knows this.

.. but am I a dreamer for His kingdom? This is where I need to check myself.

It’s easy for me, therapeutic even to sit down and write out life goals. But truly, He is the only one who knows how things will go, what will pan out and what He has is store. I have my life mapped out from now until I’m 50. Give or take some years. 😉  But God likes to remind me that although that’s cute to dream and all, He has the ultimate say. The more I try to make life my own the more the picture gets distorted. I need to trust that He’s got this. I need to relinquish control. God’s showing me that although I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a selfish person, I am with my self, my will. If that makes sense. I’m going somewhere with this..

God’s hand can’t be in something if we’re constantly holding the pen.

When we’re solely steering the ship, we’re going to crash into icebergs, it’s inevitable. That’s why we need God and His direction. He’s really shaking things up in me and I need to give Him control in all areas of life. This has been a huge conviction I’ve been dealing with lately.

{Any one else going through a season of complete trust and giving up control?}