Stillness

Maybe I’ll meet you in the stillness.
The simplicity and otherwise silence of life.
While I’m waiting for fireworks, I don’t want to be deaf to the whispers.
I’m used to the signs and dreams but I’m left to scramble the pieces at times.

You understand our human tendacies.
We are self lovers seeking the temporary but you don’t dismiss us by our downfalls.
You gave us vision and a mind of our own and the beauty and freedom of choice.
We can follow you into the unknown or we can sit back and wallow at the fact that our fleshy eyes aren’t seeing movement.

That impatience. That have to have it, have to know it now. I crave the vision but do I more than the Creator? Peace. Be still. Help me Lord to seek stillness and a calm from you alone. You asked me “If I took it all away would you still follow me?” I answered, instinctivly out of humanacy.. “but” after that pause “Yes Lord I would.” Why the pause? Did I need to run it by myself, questioning my maker like He didn’t have a plan? Giiiirl, check yo self.

No matter how long a season lasts without answers, I will seek You.. and in that silence, contentness, from not knowing but trusting the one who does, will be birthed.

I’m chasing You.

I’m chasing you with intent to leave behind all that does not mirror your Son. Yet I feel fatherless many a time, it’s You I’ll never cease to find. I need to pursue your heart like my life depends on it, for it does.

I’m chasing you sometimes with blinders yet the unknown is my selfish desire, to relinquish. I’ll chase you when he will not, hoping I’m holding our spot yet knowing I can only do my part.

I’ll chase you.

If I don’t run I’ll simply stop, to have meaning, desire, zeal I cannot bear a life as such. I’d be a shell unfilled, awaiting instruction, awaiting the hand of my Maker yet ignorant of such a gift.
I’m chasing you with tears streaming, a broken heart that’s somehow beating. A trembling voice, a shaky hand,

One desire, one plea,

Lead me. 

An open letter to an inspiring world changer,

 

 

Jamie,

When I think of you I think of strength.

Strength in adversity. Strength in relations. Strength in the burning to grow and use the card you’ve been dealt for GOD’S glory.

The only failure is the one who doesn’t think (pride) they need help nor go to any length to receive it. You are humble and beautiful and God sees you as His daughter. Most importantly He sees your heart. You are so prized to Him, myself, and anyone who has come in contact with you.

I am so proud of you babe. You encourage me as a believer, mother, and writer. Your volnerablity is refreshing and you are writing your story as you go along this journey. I am a by stander on the side lines and I will never stop cheering, sometimes silently, but you are always in my heart.

The more things you go, rather GROW through will only be used for His glory.

You will impact many lives and you already have! I love you and support your healing and seeking God. I pray you are refreshed and reminded of who you are and WHO’s you are.

You are a treasure, friend. You are never alone. You are a world shaker and I’m just so happy I signed up for dance that one night several moons ago.💕

Ps.  I miss you a stupid amount.

 

Your sister forever,

Christina

An open letter to my son


Forgive me for my sense of urgency. I’m still figuring mothering and you out.

How to combine you both and learning to love through pain and uncertainty is foreign to me. I’m trying hard to be your hero, your strong momma in the midst of chaos. I love you. You inspire me. You are the fire cracker that gets me moving in the morning (some times way too early) but you keep me on my toes in more ways then one.

I know you being small and dependent won’t last forever. It is a privilege to be so needed by you and that is what you are to me.

You keep me present and help me to soak the heck out of the moment. You are my teacher in many ways, although you have no clue what an impact you are to me daily, hourly. You are a beaming joy and light encased in a 2 year old eager little boy full of wonder and adventure yet to discover. God’s beautiful masterpiece.

You are high spirited and the moment we knew your name meaning we had no doubt it was the one for you. You have world changing spunk within your core and a stubborn- ah hem *passionate* leadership about you that I know will be birthed in time. You come alive with music. It is a gift to witness you change the atmosphere by simply being yourself. You are a prize not many will know how to recieve because you are a breath of fresh, real, honest right in your face air.

You are my constant reminder of real and significance. All to often I drift off into my thoughts and you pull me out and want to just hang and play dinosaurs.

You show me how to love with action. You. Changed. My. Life.

You teach me the importance of reaching out to others and being available. You make me want to run around the backyard with you for the sheer beauty that we can. You bring me to life and take me out of hiding.

Your boldness is a treasure (and some days I would kill to have half of your energy). We are on a journey of uncovering eachother. You peel layers from me and I help you to discover a world that is brand new to you.

I will never give up the pursuit to know who you are and to speak life over you. I am forever on your side, and if the day comes where you move me to the bleachers, with a semi-broken heart I’ll be shouting praises from a distance. I love you.

Why you should share your story

Sometimes we go through something so horrific and because of it we feel isolated, and if we have no one to turn to for support it just adds to the hopelessness.

You already feel lost, but that isolating feeling can be so crippling, it can inhibit us from reaching out during a time we really need to. Sometimes we don’t share things because we don’t want to burdeon other people with our ‘problems’..but sharing what we’re going through, sometimes just that small step of vulnerability, stops the power that the pain has over us.

Our pain gives the illusion that we’re in this alone but that’s the farthest thing from the truth!

There’s so many hurting people out there. The enemy wants us to keep thinking that we’re hopeless and alone in our despair, that no one could possibly understand what we’re going through– but we need to break that cycle. We need to open up and allow people in, allow people to see that we’re human too and that we go through pain and *gasp* even emotions.

Why is it our first instinct to hide our mess? Do we think people won’t care, or that it’s even a problem in the first place? I’ve been guilty of that mindset. Denial. Denial so I don’t have to face the elephant in my life. Let’s just be real about our problems. How much more connected would we feel as a body/community if we were just real about stuff we were dealing with, and were able to relate and help each other?

By us opening up we can allow healing to start. I’ve come to know that you can’t get healed by suppressing the pain. You can only bottle so much up before it really messes you up.

God showed me that if I wouldn’t have shared what I was going through, I wouldn’t have been able to connect and relate with some mommas who were going through the same thing! When we take the focus off ourselves, off solely OUR problems, we see how much we’re actually not alone.

Share your experiences, hurts and pain. It’s real. It’s not meant to be bottled up. I encourage you to share your story. You never know who needs to hear it!

**I’m always open for a chat or to vent to or pray with you..Odds are I’ve been in your situation. You’re never alone in anything in this life, no matter how much your situation screams that you are! **

Private message me if you need to talk.

http://www.instagram.com/Cricha90

Forgiving yourself

For the longest time I held a grudge.. with myself.
Why didn’t I do this? Why did I hurt this person? Why didn’t I go for my goals? Why did I live in crippling negativity for so long? These questions rang through my brain daily, because I did nothing to stop them.

But I’ve learned that questioning, ultimately gets you nowhere. It can drive you mad too, because most of the times we don’t have the answer. The ‘why’ kills us. Here’s the thing though, even if we knew the reason why things happened the way they did, would it change the now? It may temporarily give you a little peace of mind but NO it wouldn’t. It might even leave you with more questions. It’s a cycle. We can either let it destroy us and inhibit our growth or we can see unforgiveness for the disease and poison it truly is.

When we hold unforgiveness we begin to become bitter. Cynical. It’s a slow progression, it doesn’t happen overnight. You start seeing the worse in everything, especially yourself. You look at people with disgust and judgement because that’s how you feel deep down. You don’t do things you want to because you don’t allow yourself that freedom. You feel like you’re not worth it or that you don’t deserve it. You don’t allow yourself to push yourself. If that makes sense. It does in my head :s lol. Sometimes we even go as far as punishing ourselves.

You’ll never get to where you’re going if you’re stuck on that last chapter. We can’t learn, we can’t grow if our minds are stuck on replay. Especially if/when the thing we keep pondering on is something eating us inside! It’s like we’re on pause and nothing will/can change unless we release. The keyword there is we. No one can do it for you. You can read a million self-help books but until you actually take action and change your mindset, your circumstance isn’t going anywhere!  Our baggage can hold us down mentally, even physically sometimes but victory comes when we turn that page.

The way I forgave myself and continue to do (because it’s not a one time solve all potion, unfortunately) is by not entertaining those negative thoughts. When I feel horrible about myself I confess that I have a plan and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) and my past actions, and thoughts are just that, in the past and forgiven (1 John 1:9). If He can forgive me, I can forgive me. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). There’s such power in the tongue and it can either breath life or death. There’s so much more for us waiting ahead than anything we leave behind.
One of my favourite quotes is “The windshield is much larger then the rear-view mirror” ..it’s so true!

Now we have the choice to continue on this path, to continue to feel like crap or to use our past as motivation. To strive to do better. We’ve all done stupid, hurtful, things. Sometimes I think Wow, past Christina (sounds weird but just go with it :p)  you were so dumb. But my present self is grateful for my past because it made me who I am today!

In conclusion, we can chose to live in the past and let those choices haunt us or we can pick up our head, drop that baggage and eagerly walk into the now. The choice is ours. We can chose to be our own worse enemy or we can push ourselves to do better, and learn from our past. And let it GO.

Don’t resent your past self, learn from him/her.

It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy.

Giving into the flesh is a trap. It comforts but it doesn’t satisfy. It’s an illusion by the master of deception. A twisted game, in which there is no winning outcome. You don’t see it coming, until you do. You start to notice patterns…

It leaves you emptier than when you were first searching because now you have the heaviness of shame. The shame drives you. It is never content. Maybe you’ll feel better once you ‘get it’ you think. Whatever it may be. But the search continues.

The funny (or not so funny) thing is that the more we add to ourselves, the emptier we feel. There’s still a void. You will continue to feel emptiness in your life and search for the ‘next best thing’ as long as you stay on this road. There’s no satisfaction because the flesh is never satisfied.

You will begin to feel like there’s something wrong with YOU. You have this great degree, great life, have a powerful role yet *something* is missing. You can’t quite put your finger on it.. and because you can’t figure it out it leads to depression. It leads to self hate, and bitterness. With yourself. With God. With life. With others who just seem happy and seem to ‘get it’. You can search high and low for that piece to the puzzle but I’m telling you you won’t ever find it in material things.

My ‘searching’, rather trial an errors, led me to Christ and I’m so grateful it did. For me I had to see for myself so I tried many avenues in search of self worth, a greater purpose then just living routinely day to day.

I found ‘it’. And He is Jesus. He fills me up. The search is over. I know he loves me, he accepts me, he sacrificed it all for me, so I could find Him and He could fill my voids… and that is more than anything this world will ever have to offer. The ultimate satisfaction. The utmost worth.

The reality of Grief (Gaining our angel baby)

A couple days before I found out, I noticed that my bump was going down. I remember being 2 months last time, my bump wasn’t that noticeable but it resembled a cute, almond shape. I knew something was up. I showed J (my husband) and had him feel my stomach. He said “You haven’t eaten much today love.” I said “Ya, but that shouldn’t matter.” Later he told me in the hospital, that he noticed the bump was going down but didn’t want to say anything to lose hope. I didn’t want to go initially because there’s usually a long wait and getting a sitter every time just to check things out isn’t ideal. Heck, if I did that with every bleed, pain or cyst I’d be in there a stupid amount.

I bled a lot with Ty (my son, now almost 2) and cramped as well. This one just felt different. It wasn’t until the pain got more intense and I started passing tissue that I felt I had to get checked. I remember sitting in the ER waiting area and feeling so faint. I had gone right from work and didn’t get a chance to eat beforehand. I was really hot, and it was hard to breath unless I took in deep, exaggerated breaths. My body knew something wasn’t right and I think it all hit me, sitting in the room, waiting to be called.

I was hoping so bad that the Doc would say my cervix was still closed and just to take it easy. I read stories of mom’s going through something similar and everything turned out to be ok, telling the reader not to worry. I spoke scripture over this baby and kept thanking God I was even pregnant. I wasn’t letting my mind go to the negative side.

I knew right away when the doctor was finished the examination. He didn’t say anything.I asked “So, is my cervix open?” He paused, “Yeah, unfortunately it is.” Tears streamed down my face. The nurse grabbed my hand and said “I’m so sorry hun”, while handing me tissue. The Doctor said the M word and told me they had to do further examinations.

From the moment I found out, it was like I wanted to just soak it in but the doctor was rushing me to get down to an ultrasound (to see how much tissue was left and determine the next steps to take). They left me to get dressed and I balled. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time. I called Jordan and while I was dialing, another nurse tried to open the curtain saying she was going to wheel me down to get my ultrasound. I said through tears, “Can I have a moment please?” She stared at my face and said in a soft tone “Of course”, and closed the curtain. There was silence on the other end of the phone.

I knew he felt pain but he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I just kept crying. He kept saying ‘I love you’, trying to reassure me it would be ok. He called my mom to see if she could come watch Ty so he could be with me for the remainder of the exams. He took a cab after my mom got there, not even 15 minutes of the phone call. She’s an angel! We’re so blessed to have her!

I was wheeled down and upon reaching the bathroom the tech asked me if my bladder was empty. That word. I couldn’t respond, there was a lump in my throat. I finally said, “I don’t know.” It was the only words I could gather. She said “Ok, I’m going to need you to try to go, then. “I need an empty bladder.” She helped me up and I closed the door.

This is when it really hit me that life goes on. That’s been the hardest part for me, knowing that life has to continue on. I have to grieve on the side as I carry on about our day, helping my son, trying to play and be cheerful with him. I feel guilty for trying to feel ‘ok’, to put on a mask for the world. And this too I have no control over and have to just accept. I’m sitting here on Monday morning, 1:30 am(we found out Sat night Feb 20th) and I just balled for about 2 hours straight. It started when I was making J’s lunch.. just little tasks feel so hard. It’s like I am forgetting what happened or the pain and I think that’s what’s getting to me. Carrying on. The ‘what if’ is what is so hard. The not knowing is and was the worse part. If I had just known that I was in fact M then I would have taken time off work, would have asked for help.. but I didn’t and I couldn’t save this baby.

But Jesus did. He will raise our baby and they will know no pain. That is what I’m trying to keep my focus on, but for now this seems like empty words. But I’m learning that’s ok because sometimes that’s all you can give.

 

{If you are going through something similar and want to talk to someone who can relate, or just vent, please feel free to contact me. I had a lot of questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking, and male doctors just didn’t give me the answers I was seeking. I can help, no question is too ‘gross’ or invasive. I’ve been there, I can listen, pray with you, just be there. Contact ninna900@hotmail.com, or message my privately on any social media.} ❤ You are never alone in this.

 

baby2

 

Psalm 34:18The Lord is close to the broken hearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I am so obsessed with becoming.

 

Becoming the woman God designed me to be.
Becoming overwhelmingly joyful with life, even in sorrow because I know that nothing matters more than eternity and the steps leading up to.

I’m at a place where God is giving me such peace in freedom. Freedom to write, to sing, to plan as long as I keep Him first. He knows my heart, he knows what stirs my soul. My lists, plans, dreams- I am a dreamer and he knows this.

.. but am I a dreamer for His kingdom? This is where I need to check myself.

It’s easy for me, therapeutic even to sit down and write out life goals. But truly, He is the only one who knows how things will go, what will pan out and what He has is store. I have my life mapped out from now until I’m 50. Give or take some years. 😉  But God likes to remind me that although that’s cute to dream and all, He has the ultimate say. The more I try to make life my own the more the picture gets distorted. I need to trust that He’s got this. I need to relinquish control. God’s showing me that although I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a selfish person, I am with my self, my will. If that makes sense. I’m going somewhere with this..

God’s hand can’t be in something if we’re constantly holding the pen.

When we’re solely steering the ship, we’re going to crash into icebergs, it’s inevitable. That’s why we need God and His direction. He’s really shaking things up in me and I need to give Him control in all areas of life. This has been a huge conviction I’ve been dealing with lately.

{Any one else going through a season of complete trust and giving up control?}